Tubby or not tubby....?

...FAT is the question! And as the Christmas season and those yummy treats that accompany it are now a faint glimmer in my selective imagination, I find myself searching for the answer to that most prickly of questions...does size matter?

Now, I'm not a "skinny bird," as some of you know. Indeed, I consider myself plump in areas your average supermodel would pummel with a celery stick in order to slip effortlessly into those skinny jeans. Hey, don't get me wrong, I enjoy gliding through a room, confident that my bum doesn't look too big in my "lady pants" as much as the next girl.And if given the choice between a regular coffee and a skinny latte, well, I'll go with the "regular." Every. Single. Time.

So why is it when that prominent symbol of the Xmas break rears its colourful head and displays itself prominently on the shelves of the local supermarket, a good many of us make an on the spot mental note to signs ourselves up to a year's subscription of "Weight Watchers," or the like? Of what am I alluding to? I am talking, of course, about the mince pie. Small in size, easy enough to slip into the vacant pocket of a lady's handbag or the inside lining of a gentleman's sports jacket, but crammed full of excessive, empty calories. As Smashey and Nicey would say, "It's simply snacktastic!"

A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips! To be sure, the warnings make one shudder and instill the fear of God into those of us intent on keeping one eye on our waistband and the other, firmly fixed on that new, mouthwatering bar of scrumdiddlyumptious whatever, which is cunningly placed at the checkout and winking at us with all the fury of a desperado on the pull!

"Go on, have know you want to!" But saner heads prevail and nine times out of ten I will resist temptation and glide by said invitation, casting a distainful backward glance. But it's not easy is it? In fact, sometimes it can be downright difficult. Car wouldn't start - piece of chocolate..mmm that would be nice...Southampton have just lost to Sunderland - three double whisky's...mmm, that would be nice...this is how we are. Well, some of us at any rate.

And the excuse? Well, we live im a world where pressure to consume and the maintenance of physical beauty combine to produce vaxation in even the most ardent sceptic. Look, but don't touch...Touch, but don't taste...Taste, but don't swallow! What's a girl to do? Or a bloke, for that matter. But I think the real pressure is on the ladies.

I can just hear it now...the shriek that cuts through the lady's changing room at "Topshop" when her teenage daughter points and observes at the top of her voice, "Mum, you've got a muffin top!" Which is rich, considering offending teen, by all accounts, has probably never come into close contact with a muffin in her life and is so slim, if she turned sideways, she would be reported missing!

Still, you've got to laugh...And let's face it, when it comes to size, a lot of very successful actors comedians and celebrities have, over the years, used plus - sized proportions as an ally. Oliver Hardy. There's one. The late actor, John Candy. There's another. Most recently, James Corden had weight issues that did not, nevertheless, disguise his talent or prevent him from winning numerous awards. Likewise, his "Gavin and Stacey" collaborator, Ruth Jones. To name but a few.

But what of the rest of us mere mortals? Those of us that go through each day, bombarded by tempting culinary images on the one hand whilst attempting, (often in vain) to keep the other out of the fridge. Well, for my part, I do try to steer clear of the "naughty but nice" aisles at my local supermarket. I work on the principle that if I can't see it, I won't be tempted to buy it. I mean, do I really need to excite my tastebuds at every available opportunity? And just how tasty is that new scrumdiddlyumbtious bar anyway? Perhaps it is the wrapper itself which is so inviting. Yummy...or not yummy.....? That is the question. Answers on a poscard please....

"Things That Go Bump...."

Infamy, infamy...
They've all got it infamy!

It's a strange thing is paranoia. As is fear. Add self - obsession to the mix and what do you have? A lethal cocktail of self - abuse and a waste of time and energy. In my book anyway. Because worrying doesn't change things!A shift in attitude might do the trick, but hey, what's wrong with a little vulnerability? I mean, it's attractive, right? And how the deuce is a girl to be rescued from the jaws of terror, (by a knight in shining armour or his modern day equivalent)if, every time the threat appears, she gives it the finger and defiantly says, "bring it on!"

Let's slide it on back, folks, and concentrate on fear. It creeps up on you in all forms. Dogs, heights, death,the dark, cracks in the pavement...etc, etc. We all strive to avoid certain objects and sensations that send a shiver down the spine so fast, they could leave star athlete, Usain, enveloped in a cloud of dust and firmly bolted to the starting line.

Eeek a mouse! Small and furry. Soft and cuddly...if you like that kind of thing. Not so, if you're terrified of them. As elephants are...apparently. Go figure! Now, myself, I'm not too keen on spiders. "But it won't hurt you...if you don't annoy it..." How many times have I heard that attempt to reconcile me with the happy manners of an amiable arachnid? Several. And the result? No. Very much no.Nil points (Pronounced with a French accent - Think Eurovision!)I would rather take tea with a certain MP than come into close contact with a multi - limbed, evil - eyed, creepy crawly.Although there are certain similarities, obviously!

Give me a break will you! If I could "grow some," I would. But I can't. Perhaps I am secretly partial to the maiden in distress scenario. Alas,knights in shining armour are particularly thin on the ground at present, and if a spider does take up residence in my house, I am resolved to cover it with a glass and have a neighbour remove it to the garden. I won't kill it. Because the last thing I want is the SPL (Spiders Protection League) on my doorstep, armed with the Wilkinsons, freshly stropped! Such is the world today.

So,I've laid myself bare and shown you, once again, the chink in my lady - armour. How's that for courage?Spiders are my weakness. What's yours? And don't say a pint....