Lots of JOKES and ANECDOTES  to brighten your day.

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A  few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language. Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today". "For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen.

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 A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber." .............................................................................................................................................................................................. Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me." ..............................................................................................................................................................................................  One day about a month ago, Gordon Brown was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a blonde , a brunette , and a redhead. To the blonde he said , "I am the Prime Minister.. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" The blonde replied, "Two hundred pounds." To the brunette he posed the same question , and she replied, "One hundred pounds. "He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. Brown , if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes.... Get my panties as low as my wages...get that thing of yours as hard as the times... Keep it high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Prime Minister , it ain't gonna cost you a penny." ............................................................................................................................................................................................. The first ladies of UK, Russia and France were having a meeting with Senator Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective spouse. The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room" The lady from Russia says, "It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back.." The French lady says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down..." Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumour... it moves from one mouth to another..." ..............................................................................................................................................................................................  Bill Clinton and Al Gore were taking a shower at the gym after a strenuous exercise. Bill looked down at Al's penis and was shocked at how big it was. "My GOD, Al, that thing is HUGE! How'd you get it that big?" Bill asked in awe. "Well, every night, I whack it three times against the bedpost," he answered proudly. "Well, I'll have to try that," Bill said. So that night, when Bill got home, Hilary was already in bed, half asleep. Bill took out his penis and thumped three times against the bed-post. Thump. Thump. Thump. Suddenly, Hilary sat bolt upright in bed. "Al, is that you?" she asked. ..............................................................................................................................................................................................  WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of former President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the former president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one. ..............................................................................................................................................................................................  Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve? A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam. .............................................................................................................................................................................................. Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" .......................................................................................................................................................................................  One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair.? There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.? Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."? Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10."? So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money. Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane."? Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down.? The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation... The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you.? I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free.? But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride. The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins.? No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff."? Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!" ............................................................................................................................................................................... 

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way. After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth." ................................................................................................................................................................................

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?" ............................................................................................................................................................................... 

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical. After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years." She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion". "OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!" ............................................................................................................................................................................... 

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.' 'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!' ...............................................................................................................................................................................

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!" Posted by GEMMA ...............................................................................................................................................................................

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?". "I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!". ............................................................................................................................................................................... 

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'" "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'" ............................................................................................................................................................................... 

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages. ...............................................................................................................................................................................

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath. He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.' She replied 'You mean it shows that, too?' ............................................................................................................................................................................... Wednesday 30th June 2010 Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning! ...............................................................................................................................................................................

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?" .............................................................................................................................................................................. 

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?" ............................................................................................................................................................................... 

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her," she says. ............................................................................................................................................................................

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."................................................................................................................................................................................................

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!".......................................................

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed off. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. ......................................................................................................................................................................................... My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God's gift; and I didn't.......................................................................................................................................................................................... ..................................................................................

18th December 2013 - XMAS JOKES.

 

Jokes

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws!

What do you call Father Christmas in the beach?
Sandy Clause!

What did the sea Say to Santa?
Nothing! It just waved!

What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws

What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!

What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
Santa going through a revolving door!

Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!

What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!

What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls!

What do elves eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes!

What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
An elfcicle!

What type of Shoes does Santa wear when he travels on a train?
Platforms!

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle!

Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas!

How long do a reindeers legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!

What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!

Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!

Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was tied to the chicken!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn't chicken!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!

What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

How many letters are in the angelic alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has "no EL"!

What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!

What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

How did Scrooge with the football game?
The ghost of christmas passed!

What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!

What is the worst disease that you get at Christmas?
Excemas!

What's the most popular Christmas wine?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

Why do ghosts live in the fridge?
Because it's cool!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!

Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep loosing their needles!

What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?
You!

What's the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!

Where would you find chili beans?
At the north pole!

Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!

What do sheep say at Christmas?
Wool-tide Bleatings! or A Merry Christmas to Ewe!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!

Which football team did the baby Jesus support?
Manger-ster United!

What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonky donkey!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Pudding
Pudding who?
Pudding in your face!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Hanna
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Harold
Harold who?<
Hark the Harold Angels Sing!

Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that!

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A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."


The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."


Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous. A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted". As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame... "Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!"


A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."


A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.